"How do you help young children cope when a parent is abroad?"
This is what I found myself googling two weeks ago when my husband was away on a ten-day trip to China (see my previous post on his trip). This was a trip to visit family: his mom and dad, grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins, and to also do some genealogy research with some distant relations whom he met for the first time.
This was the first time since we were married ten years ago that he made this trip by himself. The last time we went to China, all four of us travelled together. Our daughter was four, our son was one, and the trip was more difficult than we had imagined (with the twelve-hour time difference, unexpected illnesses, traveling hardships, etc...). This time, my husband would go by himself so he could cover more ground and see more relatives in a shorter period of time. It would be easier...
...or so we thought.
The day my husband left, I witnessed a huge change in my three-year-old son's behavior. My normally happy, goofy boy became defiant and angry, ready to throw a major temper tantrum at the mere suggestion of a purely normal activity (such as getting into the car).
This behavior continued non-stop for four days, when during his longest, angriest tantrum he began screaming, "I want to go to China with Daddy" and "Why didn't Daddy take me to China too?"
Gulp. I suddenly realized that this wasn't a normal tantrum phase as previously thought. My son was experiencing real anger and sadness because his daddy was in China and he was not.
How could I help him? My mind frantically searched for something that might bring him comfort. After drying our tears (seeing my son cry for his daddy broke my heart), I suggested that we go home and that he draw a picture of how he felt.
To my surprise, he willingly got in the car, and after we got home, spent about 20 minutes drawing his picture (right).
Later that evening he was able to share his picture with his daddy on Skype. He explained how he was sad but all of the people in China were happy.
My poor little guy!
The next day he told me that he was going to write a letter to his daddy explaining how he felt sad and angry. After finishing his "writing," I had him "read" his letter to me and I wrote down what he said (he's just learning to write the alphabet so his letter required adult interpretation). Again, we turned to Skype as a means to share these words "face-to-face."
From this point on, I began to see gradual improvements in my son's mood. He still felt angry or sad at times, but instead of immediately throwing a tantrum, he was able to tell me that he was angry and sad that Daddy was in China. By the time my husband returned on the tenth day, my son had returned to his happy, silly self, and I breathed a huge sigh of relief.
Both my husband and I had thought that this trip would be easier than those in the past because he would be making the trip alone. We had never anticipated that this actually might be harder for our kids and could lead to complex feelings of sadness and anger because they were left behind.
This trip was an eye-opener for me, and will certainly give us something to think about when we plan our next trip. It wouldn't surprise me if we make the next trip together!
This is what I found myself googling two weeks ago when my husband was away on a ten-day trip to China (see my previous post on his trip). This was a trip to visit family: his mom and dad, grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins, and to also do some genealogy research with some distant relations whom he met for the first time.
This was the first time since we were married ten years ago that he made this trip by himself. The last time we went to China, all four of us travelled together. Our daughter was four, our son was one, and the trip was more difficult than we had imagined (with the twelve-hour time difference, unexpected illnesses, traveling hardships, etc...). This time, my husband would go by himself so he could cover more ground and see more relatives in a shorter period of time. It would be easier...
...or so we thought.
The day my husband left, I witnessed a huge change in my three-year-old son's behavior. My normally happy, goofy boy became defiant and angry, ready to throw a major temper tantrum at the mere suggestion of a purely normal activity (such as getting into the car).
This behavior continued non-stop for four days, when during his longest, angriest tantrum he began screaming, "I want to go to China with Daddy" and "Why didn't Daddy take me to China too?"
Gulp. I suddenly realized that this wasn't a normal tantrum phase as previously thought. My son was experiencing real anger and sadness because his daddy was in China and he was not.
How could I help him? My mind frantically searched for something that might bring him comfort. After drying our tears (seeing my son cry for his daddy broke my heart), I suggested that we go home and that he draw a picture of how he felt.
To my surprise, he willingly got in the car, and after we got home, spent about 20 minutes drawing his picture (right).
Later that evening he was able to share his picture with his daddy on Skype. He explained how he was sad but all of the people in China were happy.
My poor little guy!
The next day he told me that he was going to write a letter to his daddy explaining how he felt sad and angry. After finishing his "writing," I had him "read" his letter to me and I wrote down what he said (he's just learning to write the alphabet so his letter required adult interpretation). Again, we turned to Skype as a means to share these words "face-to-face."
From this point on, I began to see gradual improvements in my son's mood. He still felt angry or sad at times, but instead of immediately throwing a tantrum, he was able to tell me that he was angry and sad that Daddy was in China. By the time my husband returned on the tenth day, my son had returned to his happy, silly self, and I breathed a huge sigh of relief.
Both my husband and I had thought that this trip would be easier than those in the past because he would be making the trip alone. We had never anticipated that this actually might be harder for our kids and could lead to complex feelings of sadness and anger because they were left behind.
This trip was an eye-opener for me, and will certainly give us something to think about when we plan our next trip. It wouldn't surprise me if we make the next trip together!
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